Antonio Calanni Antonio Calanni

THIS WEEK, EMMA Morano, the world’s oldest living person, celebrated her 117th birthday and revealed her secrets to longevity.

Every few months, a very old person reveals their secret to a long and happy life, and they are always completely bonkers.

Let’s look back at some of these ~secrets~ and try glean some wisdom, shall we?

If you want to live for a long time, just do what 117-year-old Emma Morano did, and remain single and eat raw eggs every day.

CNN CNN

If you see a man, run away from him. He will quite literally suck the life out of you. Oh, and eat porridge.

:)

Daily Mail Daily Mail

Don’t forget to eat sushi and sleep lots!

news.com.au news.com.au

But also don’t sleep too much because one of the secrets to longevity is hard work!

The Sun The Sun

Supplement the raw eggs, porridge and sushi with sausages, rashers and cider vinegar.

The Mirror The Mirror

While you’re at it, commence smoking immediately.

Mirror Mirror

Don’t go to bed without having at least one whiskey.

BBC BBC

Actually, scratch that. Make that one whiskey and three beers.

Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan

And expose yourself to wild, wild women as often as you can.

Independent Independent

Eat loads of chocolate.

Mirror Mirror

You should just avoid sex altogether and get really into yoga instead.

USA Today USA Today

Consume all the bacon you possibly can.

Time Time

Have no stress in your life :)

Daily Mail Daily Mail

And if all that fails, just be a Japanese woman.

Margolis Margolis

So, to recap…

• You should cut anything that isn’t bacon, chocolate, porridge, sushi, eggs and sausages out of your diet.
• Stop having sex immediately.
• No men.
• But lots of wild, wild women.
• Develop a serious smoking habit.
• Have beer and whiskey every day.
• Work hard.
• Practice yoga.
• Have no worries.
• Be Japanese.

Simple.

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